OCHOCHINCO’S ULTIMATE CATCH: EPISODE 4
If you need to catch up, here is Episode 1, Episode 2 and Episode 3.
I do appreciate how this show just dives right into the crazy. Tonight begins with Plastic Surgery Face (who just gets more and more terrifying) saying she hates T.O.B. because she took a football from the Rose Bowl tryouts. (T.O.B. = T.O. Blower. She’s pictured above. This is the girl who basically said she would give T.O. a humjob during Ep 1, except “there were totally cameras everywhere.”)
Seems like a perfectly good reason to hate someone.
Even though Chad loves football, “his real passion is futbol.” So today he’s bringing over the L.A. Galaxy “futboleros.” This can only end well. Also, I love when Chad speaks the Spanish.
Impossibly, none of these girls are good at soccer. Prancing and squealing, they’ve got down.
Great moment: Chad says whoever scores on him can kiss him. First two girls try and he just HOUSES them. Then he lets his No. 1 seed Rubi score. But she passes in order to prance and squeal in celebration. So, he settles for T.O.B. Devastating.
Date No. 1 — No. 1 Rubi vs. No. 16 T.O.B. on a private jet to San Francisco.
(Another great moment: Rubi is getting into the car to leave and Chad fake humps her in the butt. I don’t care who you are — fake humping someone in the butt is ALWAYS hilarious.)
Chad: “San Francisco is a beautiful city. I view it as the Cincinnati of the West.”
Again — I am funny, but how the hell do you top that?
T.O.B. to Chad: “I’m most comfortable around you and your friends.”
Chad to camera: “Uh, yeah, we already knew that.” (Here’s how he wanted to finish that sentence: “Because you already tried to slobber T.O.’s knobber.”
So, White Trash Lisa (she of “It’s MY bathroom, bitch” fame) just found out her grandfather has cancer and two weeks to live. Dammit. I have a million jokes about her, but now I can’t make any of them. Stupid cancer.
She’s going home! Wow. I fully anticipated her to not understand what “cancer” or “two weeks” meant and continue ruling the bathroom with an iron fist.
Chad tells the girls she had a family emergency … and Plastic Surgery Face starts cheering! Oh, this is delicious. A bathroom coup!
Double disaster — apparently, White Trash Lisa was “the lush” of the group and girls are happy she won’t be “going around all drunk” anymore. Let it be known that *I* am not happy. I want more lushyness. (Note: I have a feeling this is NOT the last we’ve seen of White Trash Lisa. Just sayin.)
Meanwhile, T.O.B. just stole one of Chad’s shirts. Because she “deserved it.”
White Trash Lisa was supposed to go on her competition date with some lady named Heather who I swear made her first appearance on the show this week. I can vaguely recognize most of the girls left now, even through the silicon, bitching and preening. But I promise this girl is COMPLETELY new. (And awful.)
Cut to painfully bad sequence at Dave & Busters, only highlighted by Chad having the girls play a trivia game dedicated to him.
Elimination time!
You know it’s elimination time when B-Twice rolls in. (I never considered drafting B-Twice before. But now that he’s the Ochocinco Angel of Death? He might have to be on You Cut, Baby Girl.)
White Trash Lisa had to leave, so No. 7 seed Awful Heather automatically gets through, setting up an epic battle against No. 2 Oatmeal Tara.
On to No. 1 Rubi vs. No. 16 T.O.B.
So far, Chad has talked almost nonstop about nailing Rubi. And T.O.B. has done nothing but blather on and on, make herself available to suck on other people’s dicks and steal Chad’s shirt. Duke vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff, anyone?
The show has to fake some drama by saying Rubi is overconfident. Right.
WINNER — No. 1 Rubi! Instant cut to a horny Chad: “Come on! Who did you think I was going to pick?”
Question: When the jilted hooker loses and walks out the door, do they have to leave their stuff? Because T.O.B. totally stole that shirt fair and square.
