Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Episode 3
Oh man, they should have this tournament every summer. If you need to catch up, here is Episode 1 and Episode 2.
The girls are doing makeup in the bathroom and get right to the bitching.
White Trash Lisa: “Tara. Thought. She could walk over to me. After taking a piss. And wash her pissy-ass hands on my knees and on my feet.”
Again, there is no way I can be funnier than what actually comes out of people’s mouths on this show.
White Trash Lisa (not done yet!): “This is MY bathroom, bitch. I’m like Mussolini up in this mother fucker.”
I proclaimed that “You cut, baby girl” would be the name of my fantasy football team. It’s a good thing I am in more than one league, because “This is MY bathroom, bitch” deserves its due.
Chad calls all the girls together. Tara — the 2 seed — is “over it” and eating a bowl of oatmeal in the line. I love it, and so does Chad.
First date: No. 2 Oatmeal Tara vs. No. 15 Katie Doesn’t Fucking Curse. KDFC is going to be awesome because she doesn’t drink or curse. Especially because Chad is taking them to Vegas on a jet.
Uh oh. KDFC has turned her life around and “trying to live by the Bible.” Of course, Chad’s first question is, what about sex? No sex before you get married? KDFC, a redhead, confirms he will not see if the curtains match the drapes.
Priceless reaction from Ocho, who bites the SHIT out of his hand in frustration and grits out a “I understand what you’re saying.”
You know what? I’m impressed. Kudos to this lady for telling Chad freaking Ochocinco he gets no action on his own show, even though that means she might have to hitchhike home from Vegas.
KDFC: “There’s no sense in talking about sex because it’s not gonna happen.”
Chad: (Says nothing, gives us the “Holy crap I CANNOT get open against Darrell Revis” look.)
Producers, fearing the worst, quickly transition to Chad and Oatmeal Tara groping each other in the pool with 1973 porn music in the background.
Oatmeal Tara is Wonder Bread white. This leads to a conversation that might do more for race relations in this country than the election of Obama.
Chad: “Baby like chocolate?”
Oatmeal Tara: “Baby LIKE chocolate.”
Chad: “What would your mom say if you brought me home?”
Oatmeal Tara: “WHAT? Is he black? Is he robbing the place?”
(Both break into hysterical laughs.)
Oh snap! Oatmeal Tara comes back and says she was dry humping Chad in the pool and it was … gross. Maybe baby doesn’t like chocolate?
While Chad is away, the girls at the house shock the world and get rip roaring hammered. And White Trash Lisa does the “worst thing you could do” and throws avocado on another girl. Thanks to the producers for giving us the super slo-mo replay of the avocado toss.
Second date: No. 3 Courtney vs. No. 14 Crystal. I know nothing about these girls yet, so again I am rooting for a dramatic Hep C admission on this boat ride.
Things Chad is doing on this show: flying in helicopters, smoking cigars, flying to vegas, smoking cigars, going crazy fast in a boat, smoking cigars. Michael Lombardi might want to re-think calling Ocho a blue-chip player.
Ha! Crystal is complaining about the $400 dress Chad got her. Then says she is not high maintenance. Then Complaining Crystal says she does not kiss on the first date. Best. Date. Eva.
Laura: “Chad has a bracelet made of pearls. How have you not noticed this?”
(14 more minutes of Fuck You Bitch in the house.)
Elimination time!
Chad likes the honesty of Complaining Crystal. But she is an awful person. Courtney didn’t have to do much because CC was a nightmare. WINNER — No. 3 Courtney!
Chad says he likes KDFC’s values. She interrupts him and reiterates she will NOT get down. Oatmeal Tara interrupts her and says she will fuck him 37 different ways. WINNER — No. 2 Tara!
From the silicone to the avocado throwing to the girls that promise to hump Chad advancing, no surprises tonight. Wonder if CC kept the dress?
