Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Episode 2
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. Check out Episode 1 here.
It’s 8 a.m., and the final 16 girls are already doing push-ups and drinking mimosas. Should be a good day.
After the first episode, I was curious to see how many of the girls understood that Chad has placed them in a tournament-style, knockout bracket. (Yes, that is still HILARIOUS. I’d kill to have been in the room when Chad and the producers hammered out this format.) And since it’s VH1, subtlety has been locked up behind the bar and Chad is explaining the format again. Good thing they don’t have to read the rules.
White bikini volleyball time!
Plastic Surgery Face: “I’m feeling confident in my bathing suit and I feel confident that Chad is excited to see me in my bathing suit and I got his attention for sure. In my bathing suit.” (Note: PSF has so much silicone glopped onto her body that Chad should use her for cover in the event of a Cat 5 hurricane.)
Chad asks the girls why they want to go out on a date. And reinforces thata bad date performance will send them home . He gets a slew of responses, some are close to actual sentences, none of which answer his question. I think he is starting to realize that most of these girls dropped out of second grade.
First date is No. 8 Emma and No. 9 PSF, the vaunted 8-9 matchup. (Emma needs a nickname. Chad says she shy, but that’s not going to cut it. We need to find out on this helicopter ride that she has Hep C or something.)
Dammit! PSF was engaged to a pro football player when she was 22 (In a shocking twist, she was an NFL cheerleader for eight years) but didn’t say who it was. Come on, Chad. Don’t you HAVE to know whose sloppy seconds you are getting into?
My wife Laura thinks Emma might have a fake tooth up front! Easily the most exciting part of this episode so far. We keep pausing the DVR and breaking it down, Madden-style. We are officially at fake tooth defcon 5.
Laura: “Watching PSF eat is a little disconcerting because I don’t think she can feel her lips, so she is just kinda lashing out with her tongue.”
Fake Tooth Emma is distracting me with her fake tooth. I can’t tell if its fake and overly white, or if its just more forward, like the first man out of the boat on Normandy beach.
Next day … Chad is throwing a tailgate party. In his front yard. With 6 painted up Bengal fans. Yep. On the good side, the girls are excited to “get out of the house.” And the blond is a fan of “every team.”
Date 2! No. 4 Supposedly No Baggage Angela vs. No. 13 Jasmine, who is now having four other girls try to zip her into her dress, a la the scene in “Dazed and Confused.”
(20 minutes of chicks bitching about how trashy they are. Fuck you bitch!)
Chad will be live-streaming the dinner date between SNBA and Dazed and Confused, and allowing fans to post comments. I hope one of the comments is: “Dazed and Confused’s fingers look like a pack of Fruit Stripe gum.”
SNBA is like, independent and like, confident. Laura instantly picks Dazed and Confused.
Elimination time!
Chad says FTE is too shy. But PSF has boned other athletes and Chad is worried about sloppy seconds. WINNER — No. 9 PSF! (I bet Chad keeps her until he finds out she’s hooked up with Larry Fitzgerald. And Rex Ryan.)
Chad clicked with Dazed and Confused, but is concerned she’s not hot enough. SNBA might just be an aloof hooker. WINNER — No. 13 Daved and Confused!
Two upsets in one night! PSF pops some champ and let’s get hammered!
Today was definitely a good day.
