Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Episode 1
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. This is my first time reviewing a show, so who the F knows how it will turn out…
First of all, I love that Chad tries a little accent when says his own name: “Chad OchoCINco.” I’m sure the Hispanic community is thrilled.
So, before we can meet all of the lovely ladies who would murder a small Filipino family for Chad’s money, VH1 (and Chad) feel compelled to give us a quick vocabulary lesson. Chad is very serious when he breaks this down for us, because this is real talk.
- Child please — “Basically it’s a nice way of telling someone, ‘Fuck you.’” Got it.
- Kiss the baby — “Basically when the fat lady sings, you know, it’s over. You know, you might as well kiss the baby because it’s not happening.” Honestly, I’m going to start using this. Fat lady sings is PLAYED OUT.
“To me, love is like football: it all comes down to who wants it more, and that little thing called luck.” Just so you know, there is absolutely no way that these reviews will be funnier than the shit that actually comes out of Chad’s mouth.
HAHA — He just bought an obscenely expensive “championship ring” for whoever wins the Filipino family murderation/booby shaking contest. To review: this is not an engagement ring. It’s a CHAMPIONSHIP RING. Because you will be winning the championship of Chad’s heart. Or something.
Tryouts! The way to win Chad’s championship ring is through actual tryouts. (Cut to the Rose Bowl. Really? The Rose Bowl? The Rose Parade must be in shambles to actually whore the stadium out like this. Get it — WHORE it out? I’m a wordsmith.)
Let’s meet the ladies, shall we?
I love watching these things with my wife, who inevitably says, “Why do they always pick such ugly girls?” This is not jealousy. She is right — they do generally pick some of the uglier strippers for these shows.
Montage of girls in jerseys in a locker room. Cut to lady with a one-shouldered leopard-print dress: “I see a double zero, and then I see like a 49, and then I see like an 80-something. (Laughs awkwardly.) At this point I am thinking there is going to be like 84 or 85 girls.”
Eighty-five girls run out onto the field. Same as Chad’s number for the Bengals. The leopard print lady must be a detective or something! (The Rose Bowl: Two Olympics, two World Cup finals, USC-Texas ‘05 … THE ULTIMATE CATCH GIRLS!)
B-Twice! I consider myself a well-educated football fan, and I just learned two things: 1) Chad is boys with Bernard Berrian. 2) Bernard Berrian calls himself B-Twice. He will be along for the ride, to help Chad choose. WHEW!
The lady with a tongue piercing is in love with Chad’s “Chicklet teeth.” Got it.
This is so awesome — Chad “has to cut these ladies with grace and class.” These girls have been on the field for 2 minutes and Chad is just walking up and down the line cutting them. “You cut, baby girl” will be the name of my next fantasy team.
On to the drills: The Hugging Sled. The Touchdown Celebration. The one place on the field where the girls talk shit to each other.
Devastation on the Hugging Sled! Two ladies get a little aggressive with the sled and Chad takes them aside: “You got to be gentle with Chad. You guys are cut.” BOOM!
Oh, Leopard Print and some girl that “has won pageants and done some modeling” make the final 17. Also a girl who says she is “hot and has big boobs.”
Screams and hugs as the final 17 hookers enter the house! A couple of them immediately go to the shower to see how many people can fit in there! Holy crap … there’s a bar!
“You don’t want a shot? Do you drink?”
“No.”
“Are you from a farm?”
“It’s a ranch.”
“Oh. Uh, I’ll just do two!”
And then the girls discover the big board. It’s a 16-person tournament. But there are only 17 girls! It takes awhile, but somebody figures out that one of them could be going home tonight. Oh, the drama.
Side note: Two of these statements are true. At least three of these girls have said something along the lines of always being chased and not knowing how to chase a man. And never being intimidated, but now they are. And that they don’t really understand how to talk to a man that isn’t putting $1 bills in their g-string. You pick!
HOLY MEDIOCRE. Chad just brought B-Twice *and* T.O. to help him dance with the chicks at some kind of awkward ball he is throwing. Who’s next, Troy Williamson?
Non-Drinking White Girl: “I don’t cuss anymore.”
Chad: “You don’t curse?”
NDWG: “No, I stopped.”
Chad: “Well how the BLEEP you gonna live without BLEEPING cursing? BLEEP!” (Walks away.)
T.O. is dancing with this white girl and I’m pretty sure she just indicated that a backyard blow job is in play if he puts in a good word for her with Chad.
This show is different than the Rock of Love ones in that Chad isn’t sticking his tongue down every girl’s throat before talking to them. And he’s not wearing a bandanna and blond wig.
But it does share the thing where when the girl does something bad and the music goes from sexy to circus clown soundtrack. I want that for real life when someone starts yammering on in a meeting.
Also, T.O. has gone from scouting the girls for Chad to openly trying to bang them.
Elimination time! So, Chad is going to rank 16 girls and put them in a tournament bracket. Then they go on two-person dates with Chad and the winner moves on. You read that correctly.
No. 1 seed … Leopard Print! Not sure she is UNLV circa 1990, but we know she can count to like, 84 or 85.
No. 9 seed, aka Plastic Surgery Face: “I’m going against Emma, and the only thing she has on me is that she’s No. 8.” Uh, yep.
Oooooh, T.O. Blower just beats Lady Who Talks All The Time for the last spot in the house!
So there you have it. The final 16. To his credit, Chad seems to have the perfect attitude on this thing: He doesn’t give a shit. He even encourages all of us to make our own office pool for the bracket. “Don’t just watch the show, make money off it!”
Amen, OchoCINco.
Kiss the baby!
