OCHOCHINCO’S ULTIMATE CATCH: EPISODE 4
If you need to catch up, here is Ep 1, Ep 2, Ep 3 and Ep. 4.
Before we dive into this episode, a few random thoughts:
- Ocho has exceeded my expectations, mostly because he is one of the most self-aware reality show leads ever. Maybe it’s because of the media training he’s had, or all the TV he watches in his spare time, but he clearly understands the game. He panders to both his homies and moms in Iowa, all with a wink toward the camera.
- Surprisingly absent from this show: Making out/Banging. On similar VH1 shows (Rock of Love, I Love New York), Bret Michaels and New York would casually reward contestants by letting them taste the STDs. Not Ocho. In Ep 4 all he wanted to do was plow No. 1 seed Rubi, and I’m pretty sure she would have let him. But nothing happened. Refreshing!
- It was recently revealed that Top Chef judgments are made with the help of producers. (No shit.) So I am sure that producers had some kind of say in the final 16 and maybe even the opening rounds. (“Chad — remember, we need at least one white girl until the semis.”) But considering the size of Ocho’s ego, I don’t think that lasts much longer. This week is the final two first-round matches.
So this lady has been lurking on the show. She didn’t come out of nowhere like Ep 4’s Awful Heather. She’s been in the background the whole time, not saying much. But she is kinda terrifying. My wife’s first reaction: “Who is that old lady?”
Well, her name is April. In the opening sequence, she’s leading the girls on some kind of aerobic program from ‘83 and lying to America about being 35. Yeah. Her body might say 35, but her face says Large Marge. This is AARPril’s first date week. I anticipate it will be her last.
Chad takes the girls to the beach, where he casually goes through another cigar. (Carson Palmer must be loving this.)
Chad on the girls playing beach football: “I haven’t seen football this bad since we played the Browns.” On a girl missing his pass and getting hit in the face with the ball: “You wanna catch the ball up here. With your hands.” On hitting another girl in the face with a pass. “I threw it soft!”
Date No. 1 — No. 6 Tiphani vs. No. 11 Brittany shopping on Rodeo Drive. Let the search for condescending nicknames begin.
So far, Brittany (pictured above) has been forgettable, but she just fake humped Chad in the butt. And as we’ve discussed, this is always funny. Go on, Butt-humping Brittany! Then BHB tells Chad she has no panties on. Cut to Chad in the interview room, actually celebrating. Maybe there is some behind the scenes action?
(Note: Congrats if you bet the over on contestants saying “I’m here for Chad.”)
Oh no. Track Star Tiphani tells Chad she dated an NFL player for five years. (Names! GIVE ME NAMES!) But BHB counters by telling him she has a kid and divorced her baby daddy husband. Will someone go all in with a Hepatitis B story???
Nope. But BHB does ask Chad the last time he had sex. He says a couple months ago, and says it wasn’t one-nighter by explaining it happens, “when I feel like blessing that individual with Russell … Russell the Love Muscle.”
BOOM!
They should have ended the whole damn show right then. I promise you it will NOT get better than Ocho defiantly discussing the name of his dick and when he blesses it upon “individuals.”
Date No. 2 — No. 5 Large Marge vs. No. 12 Laurice at the laundry mat. The girls are pissed because they feel “cheated.” But Chad swears that he still goes to laundrymats so they need to go with him. (Note: There is no fucking WAY he still goes to laundrymats, but this is clearly his nutjob idea. And I love it.)
This date is worthless, but I am enjoying that its winter and it’s cold outside. I know this because the girls are trying not to shiver in paper-thin hooker outfits while Chad has on jeans, a leather jacket and a beanie.
Elimination Time!
Angel of Death B-Twice is here, but he has to go to minicamp, so this is his last episode. Devastating.
Second date’s first. WINNER — Laurice! Good luck out on the road, Large Marge.
HOLD THE PHONE. Chad turns around and shitcans Laurice!
He changed the tourney and moves BHB over to the winner of the 5-12 match. Oh, the twists and turns.
I doubt the producers asked Chad pull this move. I mean, office pools across the nation are now destroyed!
