August 2010
2 posts
July 2010
6 posts
Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Episode 3
Oh man, they should have this tournament every summer. If you need to catch up, here is Episode 1 and Episode 2.
The girls are doing makeup in the bathroom and get right to the bitching.
White Trash Lisa: “Tara. Thought. She could walk over to me. After taking a piss. And wash her pissy-ass hands on my knees and on my feet.”
Again, there is no way I can be funnier than what actually...
Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Episode 2
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. Check out Episode 1 here. It’s 8 a.m., and the final 16 girls are already doing push-ups and drinking mimosas. Should be a good day. After the first episode, I was curious to see how many of the girls understood that Chad has placed them in a...
2 tags
Ochocinco's Ultimate Catch: Episode 1
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. This is my first time reviewing a show, so who the F knows how it will turn out…
First of all, I love that Chad tries a little accent when says his own name: “Chad OchoCINco.” I’m sure the Hispanic community is thrilled.
So, before...
My top 9 goals from the 2010 World Cup
Now we have four long, long, looooooong years to figure out a plan to get to Brasil for the next World Cup. Currently, mine includes a wildly successful blackjack run in Vegas, aggressive birth control and three rolls of duct tape.
In the meantime, let us savor the best goals of the 2010 version.
(Note: FIFA is run by aging fucktards who have blocked most of its content to YouTube. Smart! I...
June 2010
3 posts
World Cup ads -- winners & losers
Since I am trapped on my couch this week, I am watching every minute of the World Cup. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky — washing myself is a spectacularly pathetic event that involves trash bags, duct tape and a shower chair — but there could be worse times to be forced into couch duty.
A by-product of my new sedentary lifestyle is the watching of World Cup commercials. Everyone...
May 2010
2 posts
The full Players monty
The following are all the columns and stories I wrote from The Players Championship. My fingers hurt.
* Sappy, but worth the read if you have military roots.
* I never thought I would play on the same soccer team as Sergio Garcia. Or that he would be this good.
* Predictions column. (I suck.)
* 1st round mixtape, featuring Bump & Grind and the theme to every porn movie!
* Incredible story...
Column: Sappy McSapperson
The cynic in me was extremely frustrated by how genuinely nice this event was.
April 2010
3 posts
Column: Draft is good
Am I ashamed to admit I am flying to South Bend this weekend to celebrate Draftsmas with 15 of my idiot friends? I am most certainly not. However, the Jags should be ashamed of themselves if they don’t follow my advice.
Column: Fake Tiger interview!
Where else can you get candid answers about boinking a Perkins waitress? IN THIS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW.
March 2010
10 posts
Man vs. Poodle: Growling at Tiger
Oh yes. I can get my wife’s poodle, Tiger and weight-lifting accidents into the same post. Not sure if that’s talent, but it’s definitely something.
Column: Cubicle madness
The running diary of the sad man who could not find a way to weasel out of work for the NCAAs. OR COULD HE?
Column: 10 Fan Commandments
Hey — I started this blog at the CA Championship last year. It’s the Building’s 1-year anniversary! (And trust me, Laura, Reimer and I celebrated the hell out of the occasion last night.)
Also, read this witty, humorous column!
WatchThe latest in my futile war against a defenseless creature is called Man vs. Poodle: Head games. Of course, that got me thinking of this video.
Column: Tiger fantasies
This headline kinda makes me sound like Mistress No. 32, but cest la vie. Also, I really hope the Bimbo Blimp happens.
Man vs. Poodle: I deserve this beating
I screwed up. Upon further review, her paws are not like Oreos. They are waaaay smaller. My taunting wife suggested Teddy Grahams. That’s much better.
Column: Tebow FAIL?
Need to have a chat with my editors about them de-capitalizing my stuff. CAPS ARE FOR EMPHASIS, DAMMIT. Anyway, yet another Tebow column!
February 2010
8 posts
Tiger columns I wish I'd written
Best three I’ve seen. Now, I’m going TIGER DARK until he actually plays golf again.
Morford
My thought was: Why isn’t he laughing? Why isn’t he at least shrugging and sighing and saying, “Hey you know what? Life is ridiculous. Life is hard. Life is a mixed blessing crapfest thrillride joyburden, Katie. Even for me. Especially for me. Isn’t it all hilarious and...
Man vs. Poodle: Behind the scenes!
How many adults does it take to create a gimmicky column with a dog? Sadly … FOUR.
Column: Basketball Jones
It has always been a dream of mine to be on the Washington Generals. Tonight, I get to take on the Harlem Ambassadors, where a very tall person is very likely to dunk on my head. I am giving my ACLs to charity!
Man vs. Poodle: Take THAT, dog!
Two weeks in, and this is already getting ridiculous. But seriously, I fucking destroyed that dog last week.
Late show
Probably shouldn’t wait until Tuesday to post the Sunday column — especially when it is THE HIGHEST RATED STORY ON THE ENTIRE SITE — but I got tied up in a football jersey drinking game in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s all Jake’s fault.
January 2010
7 posts
Man vs. Poodle: I have no chance
Update on my ill-fated decision to pick against Laura’s poodle for 2010 golf tournies. This figures to be a freaking ROUT by April.
Blast from the past
I was poking around today and found my recap of the 2006 River Run 15K in downtown Jacksonville. I believe it remains the only piece in Times-Union history to have a 10-minute poop break in the middle and still win a writing award.
Your Sunday column
Posted, as usual, on Monday. Right on time. (Note: I liked this one; it was fun to write.)
This will not end well
This year, I decided it would he HILARIOUS to take on the family poodle in golf picks each week of the PGA Tour season … yeah. I have no chance.
Easy like Sunday morning
The column makes its triumphant return, now on Sundays!
(I know it’s Monday. Shut up.)
Copying myself
Here is a post I wrote for StAugustine.com. It rules.
I know that 99 percent of you are conditioned to hate Southern Cal. Other than Texas, USC is the only non-SEC program in the last decade to challenge the SEC’s dominance.
But today, I present a USC rallying cry you can finally use: “Take our coach! Take our coach!”
How big of a favor would USC be doing Wayne Weaver and the...
December 2009
5 posts
New post: And here we go
Alright, let’s lube up and get to this double blog action. (Gonna try to rock it out every Mon-Wed-Fri. Fingers crossed.)
I suppose it’s time for me to finally weigh in on Mr. Eldrick Woods. Surprise, surprise, I don’t think he will be bad for golf. But I will never look at Perkins the same way again.
Axel, I think I love you
Whew. Because humping Rupert Murdoch would have been horrifying on every level I can think of (and others I thankfully have not imagined yet).
I’m with you, Mr. Springer.
New post: Fear and self-loathing
Went back and read my UF-Bama column from last year. Yikes. Also, in case you care, I am transitioning from a weekly column in the St. Augustine Record to regular blog posts on StAugustine.com. We’ll see how it all works out.
By the way, if any of you want to check out the new StAugustine.com and let me know what sucks and needs to change, that would be lovely. I helped build it out enough...
November 2009
1 post
WatchAnd we’re back from China. I ate a scorpion.
October 2009
6 posts
New column: Tailgate Moments Hall of Fame
Possibly the most difficult column I’ve ever had to write. Just KILLED me to leave out all the things I did. Still, this does include chicks almost making out, which is pretty good in this town.
New column: Stranger in a strange place
I wonder if people here would hate me more if I told them I was from California or France. Either way, I miss Keith Jackson.