Before we dive into this episode, a few random thoughts:
Ocho has exceeded my expectations, mostly because he is one of the most self-aware reality show leads ever. Maybe it’s because of the media training he’s had, or all the TV he watches in his spare time, but he clearly understands the game. He panders to both his homies and moms in Iowa, all with a wink toward the camera.
Surprisingly absent from this show: Making out/Banging. On similar VH1 shows (Rock of Love, I Love New York), Bret Michaels and New York would casually reward contestants by letting them taste the STDs. Not Ocho. In Ep 4 all he wanted to do was plow No. 1 seed Rubi, and I’m pretty sure she would have let him. But nothing happened. Refreshing!
It was recently revealed that Top Chef judgments are made with the help of producers. (No shit.) So I am sure that producers had some kind of say in the final 16 and maybe even the opening rounds. (“Chad — remember, we need at least one white girl until the semis.”) But considering the size of Ocho’s ego, I don’t think that lasts much longer. This week is the final two first-round matches.
So this lady has been lurking on the show. She didn’t come out of nowhere like Ep 4’s Awful Heather. She’s been in the background the whole time, not saying much. But she is kinda terrifying. My wife’s first reaction: “Who is that old lady?”
Well, her name is April. In the opening sequence, she’s leading the girls on some kind of aerobic program from ‘83 and lying to America about being 35. Yeah. Her body might say 35, but her face says Large Marge. This is AARPril’s first date week. I anticipate it will be her last.
Chad takes the girls to the beach, where he casually goes through another cigar. (Carson Palmer must be loving this.)
Chad on the girls playing beach football: “I haven’t seen football this bad since we played the Browns.” On a girl missing his pass and getting hit in the face with the ball: “You wanna catch the ball up here. With your hands.” On hitting another girl in the face with a pass. “I threw it soft!”
Date No. 1 — No. 6 Tiphani vs. No. 11 Brittany shopping on Rodeo Drive. Let the search for condescending nicknames begin.
So far, Brittany (pictured above) has been forgettable, but she just fake humped Chad in the butt. And as we’ve discussed, this is always funny. Go on, Butt-humping Brittany! Then BHB tells Chad she has no panties on. Cut to Chad in the interview room, actually celebrating. Maybe there is some behind the scenes action?
(Note: Congrats if you bet the over on contestants saying “I’m here for Chad.”)
Oh no. Track Star Tiphani tells Chad she dated an NFL player for five years. (Names! GIVE ME NAMES!) But BHB counters by telling him she has a kid and divorced her baby daddy husband. Will someone go all in with a Hepatitis B story???
Nope. But BHB does ask Chad the last time he had sex. He says a couple months ago, and says it wasn’t one-nighter by explaining it happens, “when I feel like blessing that individual with Russell … Russell the Love Muscle.”
BOOM!
They should have ended the whole damn show right then. I promise you it will NOT get better than Ocho defiantly discussing the name of his dick and when he blesses it upon “individuals.”
Date No. 2 — No. 5 Large Marge vs. No. 12 Laurice at the laundry mat. The girls are pissed because they feel “cheated.” But Chad swears that he still goes to laundrymats so they need to go with him. (Note: There is no fucking WAY he still goes to laundrymats, but this is clearly his nutjob idea. And I love it.)
This date is worthless, but I am enjoying that its winter and it’s cold outside. I know this because the girls are trying not to shiver in paper-thin hooker outfits while Chad has on jeans, a leather jacket and a beanie.
Elimination Time!
Angel of Death B-Twice is here, but he has to go to minicamp, so this is his last episode. Devastating.
Second date’s first. WINNER — Laurice! Good luck out on the road, Large Marge.
HOLD THE PHONE. Chad turns around and shitcans Laurice!
He changed the tourney and moves BHB over to the winner of the 5-12 match. Oh, the twists and turns.
I doubt the producers asked Chad pull this move. I mean, office pools across the nation are now destroyed!
I do appreciate how this show just dives right into the crazy. Tonight begins with Plastic Surgery Face (who just gets more and more terrifying) saying she hates T.O.B. because she took a football from the Rose Bowl tryouts. (T.O.B. = T.O. Blower. She’s pictured above. This is the girl who basically said she would give T.O. a humjob during Ep 1, except “there were totally cameras everywhere.”)
Seems like a perfectly good reason to hate someone.
Even though Chad loves football, “his real passion is futbol.” So today he’s bringing over the L.A. Galaxy “futboleros.” This can only end well. Also, I love when Chad speaks the Spanish.
Impossibly, none of these girls are good at soccer. Prancing and squealing, they’ve got down.
Great moment: Chad says whoever scores on him can kiss him. First two girls try and he just HOUSES them. Then he lets his No. 1 seed Rubi score. But she passes in order to prance and squeal in celebration. So, he settles for T.O.B. Devastating.
Date No. 1 — No. 1 Rubi vs. No. 16 T.O.B. on a private jet to San Francisco.
(Another great moment: Rubi is getting into the car to leave and Chad fake humps her in the butt. I don’t care who you are — fake humping someone in the butt is ALWAYS hilarious.)
Chad: “San Francisco is a beautiful city. I view it as the Cincinnati of the West.”
Again — I am funny, but how the hell do you top that?
T.O.B. to Chad: “I’m most comfortable around you and your friends.” Chad to camera: “Uh, yeah, we already knew that.” (Here’s how he wanted to finish that sentence: “Because you already tried to slobber T.O.’s knobber.”
So, White Trash Lisa (she of “It’s MY bathroom, bitch” fame) just found out her grandfather has cancer and two weeks to live. Dammit. I have a million jokes about her, but now I can’t make any of them. Stupid cancer.
She’s going home! Wow. I fully anticipated her to not understand what “cancer” or “two weeks” meant and continue ruling the bathroom with an iron fist.
Chad tells the girls she had a family emergency … and Plastic Surgery Face starts cheering! Oh, this is delicious. A bathroom coup!
Double disaster — apparently, White Trash Lisa was “the lush” of the group and girls are happy she won’t be “going around all drunk” anymore. Let it be known that *I* am not happy. I want more lushyness. (Note: I have a feeling this is NOT the last we’ve seen of White Trash Lisa. Just sayin.)
Meanwhile, T.O.B. just stole one of Chad’s shirts. Because she “deserved it.”
White Trash Lisa was supposed to go on her competition date with some lady named Heather who I swear made her first appearance on the show this week. I can vaguely recognize most of the girls left now, even through the silicon, bitching and preening. But I promise this girl is COMPLETELY new. (And awful.)
Cut to painfully bad sequence at Dave & Busters, only highlighted by Chad having the girls play a trivia game dedicated to him.
Elimination time!
You know it’s elimination time when B-Twice rolls in. (I never considered drafting B-Twice before. But now that he’s the Ochocinco Angel of Death? He might have to be on You Cut, Baby Girl.)
White Trash Lisa had to leave, so No. 7 seed Awful Heather automatically gets through, setting up an epic battle against No. 2 Oatmeal Tara.
On to No. 1 Rubi vs. No. 16 T.O.B.
So far, Chad has talked almost nonstop about nailing Rubi. And T.O.B. has done nothing but blather on and on, make herself available to suck on other people’s dicks and steal Chad’s shirt. Duke vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff, anyone?
The show has to fake some drama by saying Rubi is overconfident. Right.
WINNER — No. 1 Rubi! Instant cut to a horny Chad: “Come on! Who did you think I was going to pick?”
Question: When the jilted hooker loses and walks out the door, do they have to leave their stuff? Because T.O.B. totally stole that shirt fair and square.
Oh man, they should have this tournament every summer. If you need to catch up, here is Episode 1 and Episode 2.
The girls are doing makeup in the bathroom and get right to the bitching.
White Trash Lisa: “Tara. Thought. She could walk over to me. After taking a piss. And wash her pissy-ass hands on my knees and on my feet.”
Again, there is no way I can be funnier than what actually comes out of people’s mouths on this show.
White Trash Lisa (not done yet!): “This is MY bathroom, bitch. I’m like Mussolini up in this mother fucker.”
I proclaimed that “You cut, baby girl” would be the name of my fantasy football team. It’s a good thing I am in more than one league, because “This is MY bathroom, bitch” deserves its due.
Chad calls all the girls together. Tara — the 2 seed — is “over it” and eating a bowl of oatmeal in the line. I love it, and so does Chad.
First date: No. 2 Oatmeal Tara vs. No. 15 Katie Doesn’t Fucking Curse. KDFC is going to be awesome because she doesn’t drink or curse. Especially because Chad is taking them to Vegas on a jet.
Uh oh. KDFC has turned her life around and “trying to live by the Bible.” Of course, Chad’s first question is, what about sex? No sex before you get married? KDFC, a redhead, confirms he will not see if the curtains match the drapes.
Priceless reaction from Ocho, who bites the SHIT out of his hand in frustration and grits out a “I understand what you’re saying.”
You know what? I’m impressed. Kudos to this lady for telling Chad freaking Ochocinco he gets no action on his own show, even though that means she might have to hitchhike home from Vegas.
KDFC: “There’s no sense in talking about sex because it’s not gonna happen.” Chad: (Says nothing, gives us the “Holy crap I CANNOT get open against Darrell Revis” look.)
Producers, fearing the worst, quickly transition to Chad and Oatmeal Tara groping each other in the pool with 1973 porn music in the background.
Oatmeal Tara is Wonder Bread white. This leads to a conversation that might do more for race relations in this country than the election of Obama.
Chad: “Baby like chocolate?” Oatmeal Tara: “Baby LIKE chocolate.” Chad: “What would your mom say if you brought me home?” Oatmeal Tara: “WHAT? Is he black? Is he robbing the place?” (Both break into hysterical laughs.)
Oh snap! Oatmeal Tara comes back and says she was dry humping Chad in the pool and it was … gross. Maybe baby doesn’t like chocolate?
While Chad is away, the girls at the house shock the world and get rip roaring hammered. And White Trash Lisa does the “worst thing you could do” and throws avocado on another girl. Thanks to the producers for giving us the super slo-mo replay of the avocado toss.
Second date: No. 3 Courtney vs. No. 14 Crystal. I know nothing about these girls yet, so again I am rooting for a dramatic Hep C admission on this boat ride.
Things Chad is doing on this show: flying in helicopters, smoking cigars, flying to vegas, smoking cigars, going crazy fast in a boat, smoking cigars. Michael Lombardi might want to re-think calling Ocho a blue-chip player.
Ha! Crystal is complaining about the $400 dress Chad got her. Then says she is not high maintenance. Then Complaining Crystal says she does not kiss on the first date. Best. Date. Eva.
Laura: “Chad has a bracelet made of pearls. How have you not noticed this?”
(14 more minutes of Fuck You Bitch in the house.)
Elimination time!
Chad likes the honesty of Complaining Crystal. But she is an awful person. Courtney didn’t have to do much because CC was a nightmare. WINNER — No. 3 Courtney!
Chad says he likes KDFC’s values. She interrupts him and reiterates she will NOT get down. Oatmeal Tara interrupts her and says she will fuck him 37 different ways. WINNER — No. 2 Tara!
From the silicone to the avocado throwing to the girls that promise to hump Chad advancing, no surprises tonight. Wonder if CC kept the dress?
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. Check out Episode 1 here.
It’s 8 a.m., and the final 16 girls are already doing push-ups and drinking mimosas. Should be a good day.
After the first episode, I was curious to see how many of the girls understood that Chad has placed them in a tournament-style, knockout bracket. (Yes, that is still HILARIOUS. I’d kill to have been in the room when Chad and the producers hammered out this format.) And since it’s VH1, subtlety has been locked up behind the bar and Chad is explaining the format again. Good thing they don’t have to read the rules.
White bikini volleyball time!
Plastic Surgery Face: “I’m feeling confident in my bathing suit and I feel confident that Chad is excited to see me in my bathing suit and I got his attention for sure. In my bathing suit.” (Note: PSF has so much silicone glopped onto her body that Chad should use her for cover in the event of a Cat 5 hurricane.)
Chad asks the girls why they want to go out on a date. And reinforces thata bad date performance will send them home . He gets a slew of responses, some are close to actual sentences, none of which answer his question. I think he is starting to realize that most of these girls dropped out of second grade.
First date is No. 8 Emma and No. 9 PSF, the vaunted 8-9 matchup. (Emma needs a nickname. Chad says she shy, but that’s not going to cut it. We need to find out on this helicopter ride that she has Hep C or something.)
Dammit! PSF was engaged to a pro football player when she was 22 (In a shocking twist, she was an NFL cheerleader for eight years) but didn’t say who it was. Come on, Chad. Don’t you HAVE to know whose sloppy seconds you are getting into?
My wife Laura thinks Emma might have a fake tooth up front! Easily the most exciting part of this episode so far. We keep pausing the DVR and breaking it down, Madden-style. We are officially at fake tooth defcon 5.
Laura: “Watching PSF eat is a little disconcerting because I don’t think she can feel her lips, so she is just kinda lashing out with her tongue.”
Fake Tooth Emma is distracting me with her fake tooth. I can’t tell if its fake and overly white, or if its just more forward, like the first man out of the boat on Normandy beach.
Next day … Chad is throwing a tailgate party. In his front yard. With 6 painted up Bengal fans. Yep. On the good side, the girls are excited to “get out of the house.” And the blond is a fan of “every team.”
Date 2! No. 4 Supposedly No Baggage Angela vs. No. 13 Jasmine, who is now having four other girls try to zip her into her dress, a la the scene in “Dazed and Confused.”
(20 minutes of chicks bitching about how trashy they are. Fuck you bitch!)
Chad will be live-streaming the dinner date between SNBA and Dazed and Confused, and allowing fans to post comments. I hope one of the comments is: “Dazed and Confused’s fingers look like a pack of Fruit Stripe gum.”
SNBA is like, independent and like, confident. Laura instantly picks Dazed and Confused.
Elimination time!
Chad says FTE is too shy. But PSF has boned other athletes and Chad is worried about sloppy seconds. WINNER — No. 9 PSF! (I bet Chad keeps her until he finds out she’s hooked up with Larry Fitzgerald. And Rex Ryan.)
Chad clicked with Dazed and Confused, but is concerned she’s not hot enough. SNBA might just be an aloof hooker. WINNER — No. 13 Daved and Confused!
Two upsets in one night! PSF pops some champ and let’s get hammered!
After watching the first 12 seconds of this VH1 Ochocinco reality show, I knew I must review this show in all of its completely insane glory. This is my first time reviewing a show, so who the F knows how it will turn out…
First of all, I love that Chad tries a little accent when says his own name: “Chad OchoCINco.” I’m sure the Hispanic community is thrilled.
So, before we can meet all of the lovely ladies who would murder a small Filipino family for Chad’s money, VH1 (and Chad) feel compelled to give us a quick vocabulary lesson. Chad is very serious when he breaks this down for us, because this is real talk.
Child please — “Basically it’s a nice way of telling someone, ‘Fuck you.’” Got it.
Kiss the baby — “Basically when the fat lady sings, you know, it’s over. You know, you might as well kiss the baby because it’s not happening.” Honestly, I’m going to start using this. Fat lady sings is PLAYED OUT.
“To me, love is like football: it all comes down to who wants it more, and that little thing called luck.” Just so you know, there is absolutely no way that these reviews will be funnier than the shit that actually comes out of Chad’s mouth.
HAHA — He just bought an obscenely expensive “championship ring” for whoever wins the Filipino family murderation/booby shaking contest. To review: this is not an engagement ring. It’s a CHAMPIONSHIP RING. Because you will be winning the championship of Chad’s heart. Or something.
Tryouts! The way to win Chad’s championship ring is through actual tryouts. (Cut to the Rose Bowl. Really? The Rose Bowl? The Rose Parade must be in shambles to actually whore the stadium out like this. Get it — WHORE it out? I’m a wordsmith.)
Let’s meet the ladies, shall we?
I love watching these things with my wife, who inevitably says, “Why do they always pick such ugly girls?” This is not jealousy. She is right — they do generally pick some of the uglier strippers for these shows.
Montage of girls in jerseys in a locker room. Cut to lady with a one-shouldered leopard-print dress: “I see a double zero, and then I see like a 49, and then I see like an 80-something. (Laughs awkwardly.) At this point I am thinking there is going to be like 84 or 85 girls.”
Eighty-five girls run out onto the field. Same as Chad’s number for the Bengals. The leopard print lady must be a detective or something! (The Rose Bowl: Two Olympics, two World Cup finals, USC-Texas ‘05 … THE ULTIMATE CATCH GIRLS!)
B-Twice! I consider myself a well-educated football fan, and I just learned two things: 1) Chad is boys with Bernard Berrian. 2) Bernard Berrian calls himself B-Twice. He will be along for the ride, to help Chad choose. WHEW!
The lady with a tongue piercing is in love with Chad’s “Chicklet teeth.” Got it.
This is so awesome — Chad “has to cut these ladies with grace and class.” These girls have been on the field for 2 minutes and Chad is just walking up and down the line cutting them. “You cut, baby girl” will be the name of my next fantasy team.
On to the drills: The Hugging Sled. The Touchdown Celebration. The one place on the field where the girls talk shit to each other.
Devastation on the Hugging Sled! Two ladies get a little aggressive with the sled and Chad takes them aside: “You got to be gentle with Chad. You guys are cut.” BOOM!
Oh, Leopard Print and some girl that “has won pageants and done some modeling” make the final 17. Also a girl who says she is “hot and has big boobs.”
Screams and hugs as the final 17 hookers enter the house! A couple of them immediately go to the shower to see how many people can fit in there! Holy crap … there’s a bar!
“You don’t want a shot? Do you drink?” “No.” “Are you from a farm?” “It’s a ranch.” “Oh. Uh, I’ll just do two!”
And then the girls discover the big board. It’s a 16-person tournament. But there are only 17 girls! It takes awhile, but somebody figures out that one of them could be going home tonight. Oh, the drama.
Side note: Two of these statements are true. At least three of these girls have said something along the lines of always being chased and not knowing how to chase a man. And never being intimidated, but now they are. And that they don’t really understand how to talk to a man that isn’t putting $1 bills in their g-string. You pick!
HOLY MEDIOCRE. Chad just brought B-Twice *and* T.O. to help him dance with the chicks at some kind of awkward ball he is throwing. Who’s next, Troy Williamson?
Non-Drinking White Girl: “I don’t cuss anymore.” Chad: “You don’t curse?” NDWG: “No, I stopped.” Chad: “Well how the BLEEP you gonna live without BLEEPING cursing? BLEEP!” (Walks away.)
T.O. is dancing with this white girl and I’m pretty sure she just indicated that a backyard blow job is in play if he puts in a good word for her with Chad.
This show is different than the Rock of Love ones in that Chad isn’t sticking his tongue down every girl’s throat before talking to them. And he’s not wearing a bandanna and blond wig.
But it does share the thing where when the girl does something bad and the music goes from sexy to circus clown soundtrack. I want that for real life when someone starts yammering on in a meeting.
Also, T.O. has gone from scouting the girls for Chad to openly trying to bang them.
Elimination time! So, Chad is going to rank 16 girls and put them in a tournament bracket. Then they go on two-person dates with Chad and the winner moves on. You read that correctly.
No. 1 seed … Leopard Print! Not sure she is UNLV circa 1990, but we know she can count to like, 84 or 85.
No. 9 seed, aka Plastic Surgery Face: “I’m going against Emma, and the only thing she has on me is that she’s No. 8.” Uh, yep.
Oooooh, T.O. Blower just beats Lady Who Talks All The Time for the last spot in the house!
So there you have it. The final 16. To his credit, Chad seems to have the perfect attitude on this thing: He doesn’t give a shit. He even encourages all of us to make our own office pool for the bracket. “Don’t just watch the show, make money off it!”
Now we have four long, long, looooooong years to figure out a plan to get to Brasil for the next World Cup. Currently, mine includes a wildly successful blackjack run in Vegas, aggressive birth control and three rolls of duct tape.
In the meantime, let us savor the best goals of the 2010 version.
(Note: FIFA is run by aging fucktards who have blocked most of its content to YouTube. Smart! I mean, the last thing you would want is for people to be sharing the greatness of your event. Heavens, no. These are the best vids I could find.)
I got drunk a couple weeks ago and got into this great conversation about posters you had in your room when you were little.
When I was about 7 years old, my family moved from Portland, Ore. to Palm Desert, Calif. My parents knew I loved football, and knew I liked the Steelers. But they didn’t particularly love any teams and apparently believed this Steeler thing would be a passing fling now that we were a scant two hours from the Rams and the Raiders in L.A. (Fools!) So, like they were hedging a bet, they filled my room with all kinds of NFL stuff.
I had pennants of probably 12 different teams. Eagles, Oilers, Bengals, Raiders, whatever. It was like they hit the mother lode at somebody’s garage sale. (Let the record show that I requested — and eventually received — not one, but two Steelers pennants.) I also had four framed team posters.
As I plowed through another cup o vodka on our deck, I tried to describe these posters to everyone. All I could remember was they were drawings that had the city’s skyline and mascot. And they were bad ass. Bad. Ass.
Seeing as I have plenty of time to kill, today I dug into Google and finally found the posters. Turns out I was right. These things are SWEET. I actually ended up hating the 49ers and not really caring about the Rams and Seahawks, but it’s all good.
Here is the entire archive (excuse me while I shed a misty tear).
Since I am trapped on my couch this week, I am watching every minute of the World Cup. I wouldn’t say that I am lucky — washing myself is a spectacularly pathetic event that involves trash bags, duct tape and a shower chair — but there could be worse times to be forced into couch duty.
A by-product of my new sedentary lifestyle is the watching of World Cup commercials. Everyone can see what’s happening in the games. But I am here to report on who’s winning the ad race. Below are winners, losers and my favorite so far.
When the full-length teaser ad came out, all the hair on my neck stood up. Zidane, the hooded wizard king, would be deciding his successor. IT WAS SO ON. I had flashbacks to some of the greatest soccer ads ever, like the old Nike ones where the players are trapped on an island and have to play 3 v 3 in a cage to somehow escape. (Of course that’s the only way!)
I had been set up for historic awesomeness. But then the ads came, and nothing happened. No soccer. Just Messi stupidly jumping over some mythic air tackles. A move by Kaka that even I know how to do. And suddenly Zidane the hooded wizard king was driving in some sissy car and Messi was jumping around next to it. (Don’t get me started on the one where Jozy has his boots in suitcases. Seriously. Don’t. Stop.)
All in an effort to get me to go to Facebook? Whatever, dude. Classic case of overthinking. It’s easy: Get Zizou the hooded wizard king to have some kind of epic tournament on a mountaintop field between all these up-and-comers to see who will be elevated into the next God Among Men. Have them do crazy stuff with the ball that dorks like me have wet dreams about.
And don’t show Jozy until he scores a freaking goal in a meaningful game.
The best? The one with Ronaldinho. You’d think they would have pulled that one, seeing as he is not even on the Brazil side. But no! There it is. I can see some Nike exec: “Look, we spent the money. And what the hell do American fans know? Besides, all Brazilians look the same, right?”
My favorite ad of the Cup. It’s fantastic on many levels, the most basic being the pure bad-assery of George Washington driving a car through the terrified Red Coats. (And with the English crashing out the Cup, it also piles onto another historic loss of theirs.)
On a deeper level, it speaks to what truly brings this country together these days: Things we were awesome at in the past and underdog sporting events of the present. There is probably not another happier collective moment in this country’s last five, possibly even 10 years, than Lando’s goal against Algeria.
Half the country was pissed when Obama got elected. More than half the country was drunk when the Saints won the Super Bowl. But Fox News, MSNBC and everyone in between could get behind a USA soccer team kicking ass in a sport the rest of the world wants so desperately us to suck at.
My name is Travis Hill and I am the editor of Drift Magazine and the St. Johns Sun. I also write a sports column for the St. Augustine Record.
I am the king of print media.
This little side-project is just what I'm reading, what my friends in "The Jungle" are e-mailing and whatever else I can do to make you procrastinate at work.
